Christian UC: Discipline

My Thoughts On Discipline

The following is the content of an E-Mail that I had sent to the Christian UC E-Mail list in reply to someone who had asked about the nature of children, and did we believe it was something that was evil and needed to be punished out of them, or if we believe that got shed with (infant) baptism.

For the record, I forgot to add that I believe the sinful nature of man is found in his soul- his mind, will, and emotions. And it is obvious that none of that is washed away from a baby by a symbolic token made by it's parents, but that it is washed (away) by the Word and renewing one's mind in it!

That said, here goes:

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Sorry this is so long and probably a little scatter-brained. I've recently completed a paradigm shift.

I have recently stopped spanking. God-willing, Jas will never know what it is to be spanked. I am a spirit-filled protestant (no infant baptism in our church).

I don't believe that the sinful nature is washed away with baptism. I believe the sinful nature of man is found in his soul- his mind, will, and emotions. It is obvious that none of that is washed away from a baby by a symbolic token made by it's parents. I believe the spirit part of a man is the Holy Spirit (God) if it is a child to christian parents, and probably the spirit of the father of lies if the parents are not Christian. Afterall, we know that children are judged by their parents before they are able to discern the truth of God for themselves. I believe it is God's spirit in all of our children that pull them to us and to God, that they desire so strongly to do right by us. I know that I was *very* young when God worked very strongly in my heart, probably even before school-age. If not, then definitely towards the beginning of elementary grades. Even at 3 Ally showed an amazing sensitivity to God.

I believe children are accountable when adults decide to hold them accountable. In my house sinning occurs as soon as a child is able to willfully disobey. 17 month-old Jasmine has sinned. When I call her and she knows exactly what I want and furrows her cute little eyebrows at me before turning away, she has disobeyed! Of course I don't hold it against her, I just hope to teach her the importance of being right, not just avoiding [the consequence of] what's wrong.

Actually, I've reserved the right to spank in case of lying. Ally was just out of control, would lie for anything, and I needed some kind of leverage. I have promised that I will never spank her again, except for lying. I wish I didn't even have to then, but unfortunately it seems to have come to the point that that's all she cares about. That's what I've unwittingly trained her to do!

I don't think any less of people who spank. There are at least a couple onlist here [and on this site] that I respect a lot. They're sure to heartily disagree with all I say. But I can't do it anymore.

I think the biggest "A-ha!" moment of my life was when I learned of the term grace-based discipline (GBD). featured in a book by Crystal Lutton called "Biblical Parenting" [Link found in the menu above.]

I've heard all the arguments to spank. I've used them! The only one I have not found an answer (to the contrary) for is the scripture about "if you beat your child he will not die". Of course, I haven't ever tried looking for an answer to it, either! Always have had more pressing things to do.

All I can tell you is that I know that whole rod & staff thing... the shepherds never hit their sheep with them! They used them to block the way of harm, gently guiding the sheep in the direction it should go. We as Christians are called to encourage and inspire people! Whatever is pure, lovely, of good report... think on these things! These are all positive things! I don't know how a parent expects to sow a seed of negative reinforcement and get something positive out of it. [God will not be mocked. Whatever you sow, you reap!] The child will focus on the negative, and very well may not learn the importance of how or why to make good choices. Oh they'll obey next time, but what will they have learned? Then what basis will they have for making good decisions as adults? When they find out God isn't going to beat them with every mistake, I think it's a lot more likely for them to backslide then rather than if they were taught the virtue in obedience/ making good choices in the first place! (Back to the positive theme, here!)

My mother spanked me and it didn't teach me a darn thing. Only served to alienate me. Yes, she did talk to me afterwards and hugged and held me. Yes, she did tell me it hurt her more than it hurt me. Yes, she did all of that. Of course, I still didn't believe a word of it.

I am so amazed and humbled by God's grace and love. Finally in adulthood I've gotten a good grip on those and been able to accept them for myself. Therefore I don't believe that "If there is always a way out, or a one more chance, they will learn to expect those things every time." What?! (By the way, I didn't pay attention to who wrote what, just copied things that struck me. definitely no offence intended to the authors!! So back to what I was saying...) What?! I know this is not truth. It may be true in the world, but it's certainly not The Truth our God has given us. I know what kind of awful things I got myself messed up in, time and time again, knowing better before I ever started. and I know how God's grace never gave up on me, but did always give me a way out, and one more chance. And I never came to expect it, because I knew I was wrong and I could wear out my welcome at anytime, or die before I was able to come to my senses and repent again. Afterall, He is the authority! And I did almost die at least a couple times.

"day 2- the yellow, is extended isolation." The only time I would dare isolate them is if I needed to for my own sanity... that I just wasn't able to talk about it without the situation just escalating more and more with high emotions. God never alienated anyone. Even after Adam & Eve sinned, he still came down just as he always had. And he also stayed with the Jews in the ark of the covenant, in the midst of all their sin. He didn't just banish us to hell right away. There's a reason for this. Nor do I think children can be banished by their parents without repercussion.

I do like the idea of one sibling having to pay the others out of their allowance for chores they didn't do. Ally already folds most of the clothes in the house. She understands that she is part of a family. If she wants to be part of the family she will get many (!) benefits from the family, but she will also be expected to contribute. I don't always feel like making lunch or whatever, but I do it because she's my daughter. I don't care if she doesn't want to put away the diapers for me. If she wants to leave the family she can. (Of course I'd die if she did, though I know she never would!). That's just what "family" is all about. And whenever she gets where she's going, they're also going to make her do stuff she'd rather not.

But I have never never never had one of these so-called "holy-ghost-spankings" that I hear Christians talking about! I do not believe in such a thing! My God is gentle with his children, and does not resort to such measures. He doesn't need to! Not to mention, I don't believe he's a bully! I believe he accepts us where we are, even with all our sin, wanting us to want him! To desire to do his will! it's all our choice, and that's a matter of the heart! Spanking is a matter of breaking the spirit. A very different thing, and very dangerous. No, not always, but very possible. And totally outside of God's character besides.

I know that love is what changed my heart, which changed my actions. I've seen that giving Ally more love is changing her heart (because I didn't have the sense to 'keep' it in the first place, but I digress...) love is changing ally's heart, which is also changing her actions when nothing else could reach her. Finally- love is what is changing my own hard, (hard) husband's heart! No matter how nasty he gets, I just love him even more and he is humbled, much like I am with God. Not that I'm God!! But I'm just saying it works! God modeled through Jesus how he wanted us to live. And what do you know- it works!

So no, spankers don't need to fear hostilities here. Why? Because we're a people seeking to live the life of our saviour who was full of grace!! UC-ers accept non-UCers because that's where they're at. Vegans accept blood-eaters because that's where we're at. And "gentle" parents accept "harsh(?)" parents because that's where they're at. Not because anyone's any better, but because we know none of us have any particular aspect totally right!

But now that I have experienced this great, awesome, I-can't-even-describe-it power of love... I could never choose to go back. I only pray every day that I just don't slip into old habits with Jas. and I'm confident he will keep me on that righteous path as I focus myself on what is true, noble, of good report, etc etc.

AMEN!

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