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Amanda's Journal
Expecting July 2003
Sat Jun 21, 2003
Having a child is having hope
I am Amanda, a 29 year old stay at home mother to my two angels, Jack and Daphne, and adoring wife to John who has made it all possible.
I am currently expecting our third gift from the Lord in the end of July or early August.
Though my daughter was born free in December of 2000, this is my first unassisted pregnancy. The care I have given myself while simple, feels far superior to the clinical "prenatal care" I received in the past. I have tried to maintain healthy nutrition by using the Brewer Diet as a guideline. I drink at least half an ounce of water per pound of body weight. I have taken my blood pressure on a few occasions when I have felt funny- because I tend to run low and had some episodes of nearly fainting early in this pregnancy. I measure my belly periodically if I feel like exponential growth has occurred. Although I am beginning wonder how useful that can really be and why clinicians use it as such a source of alarm. When a baby at born at 35 weeks/ 35 centimeters can weigh 7 pounds and a 39 week/ 40 cm baby weighs only 6 it just doesn't seem like a very accurate assessment of fetal growth. I have had the opportunity to hear my baby's heartbeat a few times using a fetoscope. I thought that would be such an exciting moment, but what thrilled me more than hearing it is that *I* was the one doing it. I weigh myself for no reason other than vanity. My children rub my belly with oil each night before bed. And I give myself a pedicure every couple of weeks!
I have gained a tremendous sense of self-reliance, trust, and love in not involving anyone outside the family in my care. There have been times that I have been fretful and tempted to fall back into the fear-based model of having someone else tell me that their little machines indicate everything is okay, but each time the Lord has carried me through. And now, I am but six weeks away from from receiving my gift of faith.
The last weeks of pregnancy are truly miraculous and delightful to me. I look forward to sharing them with you.
Blessings.
~amanda
You can read more about my journey to freebirth here: http://www.unassistedchildbirth.com/amandacounter.htm
Thirty-Four Weeks
Saturday is my "weeks to the day" LMP marker. Both of my children have been born on their "weeks to the day" mark. Jack at 40 and Daphne at 39. I have gone into each pregnancy planning on going 42 weeks, since there is a history of longer gestation in our families, but both times I have been blindsided by babies arriving before their "due" dates. I really relish the last few weeks of pregnancy, and almost feel that with my last two it's been taken from me prematurely! So I am trying extra hard this time to not take anything for granted and record how I feel as birth draws near.
I am feeling great most of the time, but there are days, or parts of days that I am completely and utterly exhausted. My only complaint really is that I still have a hard time with my blood sugar after breakfast. It seems that no matter what I eat, I totally crash afterward. Maybe if I ate in the middle of the night it would help, but I am actually sleeping through the night. Despite the quantity of water I drink, I usually only have to get up to use the bathroom at about 4 a.m. I actually attribute my "stronger" bladder to Daphne's birth. Some of the research I have done indicates that allowing my body to completely spontaneously push her out may have actually strengthened my pelvic floor.
I have a big, ripe looking belly that I have never had before and I love it. I feel like my equilibrium is off kilter like never before. It's so amazing how different each pregnancy and each baby can be.
Today was a fun day. I went to the farmer's market and got some long awaited Miracle Salsa. It is made with ACV, lemon juice, and raw honey, among the other usual salsa things. I have been dying for it all winter!! I also got a henna tatoo on my belly, it is a sun. It is really cool, hopefully I will be able to get a picture of it loaded! My kids love it.
Well-- I will wrap up for now, hopefully this is not too much musing!
Blessings.
~amanda
Sat Jun 28, 2003
Thirty-Five Weeks
Am I really thirty-five weeks already? My belly looks it, my body feels it, but I just can’t believe that in such a short period of time I will be a new mommy again.
Our house is in absolute shambles. We had to replace our water main last weekend, and my husband is working on finishing our master-bathroom. There is sawdust and construction equipment everywhere. My brother-in-law and his family are coming to stay with us for three weeks until they close on their house, so I have spent the past few days emptying out the room they are going to stay in. My body continually reminded me that I most definitely 35 weeks along!! On the bright side, I have accomplished some major organization that had been greatly lacking since we moved in! I am just prayerful that I will get my remaining five weeks....because we have so much to do.
My birth supplies have arrived. For anyone interested in knowing what I ordered, I got two peri-bottles- one for herbs, and one for warm water, sitz bath herbs that I will put in the peri-bottle, mesh panties, calendula cream for nursing, Rescue Remedy, and a couple of cord clamps- just in case our Lotus plans change. I still need to get a couple of shower curtains to put under blankets, then I think I am finished! I am looking at my pile of diapers thinking that I will probably begin washing the new ones soon. I feel less guilty about the three washes the new ones need now that we aren’t wasting 15,000 gallons of water each month!
I went to the chiropractor on Tuesday. I am starting to have the same SI-joint/sciatica thing I had with Daphne. It felt so good after, then I went and ruined it by moving all of the stuff I did! I think I will be going back often until this baby comes, as I feel that being well adjusted contributed in part to Daphne’s pain-free birth.
I have come to a place of great peace in my heart, and in my relationship with the Lord. I have been very hard on myself this pregnancy for not being faithful in the ways usually prescribed by my church. Earlier this week the Lord blessed me with many glimpses of just how I have exercised my faith throughout this pregnancy, and I felt his love so completely. We are so grateful to have such a loving Father in heaven... I can’t believe the blessings our family continually receives. Sometimes I feel so unworthy.
That is all for now.
Blessings to all.
~amanda
Wed Jul 02, 2003
Emotional Turmoil & Resolution
This is the last month I will be pregnant. Why does the end of this pregnancy bring such a sense of sorrow? Why with the other babies was I out of my head with anticipation....oh, I would have done just about anything to have it be time for those babies!
By 35 weeks with Daphne I was told by the Lord that if I completed a particular task, I could have my baby. I knew that was too early, despite my impatience and discomfort, so I stalled beginning for another two weeks. The task took me about 12 days to complete. I finished on a Thursday night, was given Friday to nest, and was in labor by 5:30 Saturday morning. The Lord’s follow through is amazing.
This time maybe I have just found the peace and patience in pregnancy that I have not found before. Maybe I am secure in the fact that my baby is well, and so very safe inside of me. Those are nice thoughts, but the wheels keep turning and then I wonder if I am not ready for another baby, are these feelings because I don’t love this baby? Is something going to go wrong?? Oh, why do those things have to run through my head?
Why can’t I just accept that this pregnancy is going to feel different than the others. This pregnancy is going to feel. Period. This is not, nor has it been a pregnancy about weights, measures, or other measurable clinical pathologies. This has been a pregnancy about feeling. Every minute of every day I am in consultation with myself and the Lord about how every action or reaction will affect this baby. How do I feel after hard work, after certain foods, when I wear a bra, when it’s 90 degrees in my house....
How does it feel? For some reason, it feels a lot like a Bob Dylan song.
http://www.bobdylan.com/songs/rolling.html
Somehow symbolic of the catharsis I have gone through during the past three years.
More angst—things just kind of seem like they aren’t going as planned. Before we made this baby I told John that I had needs that I wanted him to address during this pregnancy... He was so absent during the others. I needed him... and I needed him to be available after the birth. I want a Lotus birth, I want to stay in bed with the baby until he lets go. I have had two perineal traumas, one major- both sutured... there is reality in the fact that I *may* have another... but I want it to heal naturally. So I want to stay down and let that happen. My husband had planned on taking a month of work to facilitate that for me....but now he is going to be gone for two weeks of it. How am I going to have the birth, and postpartum of my dreams if I have to do it on my own? My dream about Rico Baker holding my first twin suddenly makes so much sense. He must represent a paternal figure in my mind. I need to be held during this pregnancy and birth. There are elements of love and support that I am craving from a father. This is Elijah birth that I have chosen!!
“And he shall turn the heart of the fathers to the children and the heart of the children to their fathers....” Malachi 4:6
And all at once I realize that I need to put it in God’s hands. He knows the desire of my heart. My heart needs to turn to my Father as much as I desire my husband’s heart to turn to his child!!
I am really not so on my own without direction, and really not so unknown.
So how does it feel?? It feels like I am at peace, once again.
Blessings to all!
~amanda
Thu Jul 03, 2003
Amanda's Take a Guess Game!
Okay- Here are my stats so far!!
I am 35 weeks, 4 days. 40 weeks is August 2.
-I have a son born at 40 weeks TO THE DAY LMP.
-12 hour labor started spontaneously (but augmented for about 3 hours with pitocin after epidural).
-He weighed 7 lbs 14 oz
-I have a daughter born at 39 weeks TO THE DAY LMP.
-8 1/2 hour labor-- all aspects completely spontaneous
-She weighed 6 lbs 8 oz (but there were some extenuating circumstances during her pregnancy, so I don't know if she should really have been that small...long story)
So lets guess:
EDD
length of labor
gender
weight of baby
Here is my guess, some of it is based on affirmations and prayers that I have been working on.... for example before conceiving we prayed for a boy.
July 28, which is 39 weeks 2 days
4 hour labor
Boy
8 lbs 2 oz
Have fun!!
Thanks.
~amanda
Sun Jul 06, 2003
36 Weeks, 1 Day
We had such a happy 4th of July! I got a beautiful baby niece named Emma, my sister-in-law’s first UC!
This week I had two pretty uncomfortable days with lots and lots of swelling. John was actually getting pretty worried, which made me worry because he is usually so laid back. We decided if I kept swelling that I would check my blood pressure and urine in the morning. I was up every hour going to the bathroom that night–and was back to nearly normal by morning. There hasn’t been much swelling since.
It is always so reassuring to watch how our bodies work! My poor body must have just been totally traumatized by the excessive temperatures during the day, and it was doing all it could to ensure that the baby and I wouldn’t dehydrate. That just happened to involve retaining just about every ounce of the gallon + of fluid I put it! Then when it cooled off at night, and I relaxed, my body must have realized that the “crisis” was over, and boy did the flood gates open!!
The baby did seem to have a pretty big growth spurt this week. My sister commented on how much I seemed to grow between Tuesday and Friday! I love my big belly, and can’t believe that I could be done in just 3 weeks if I have a 39 weeker like Daphne!
In my conversations with God and the baby I find myself actually hoping and asking that I DON’T go early. That’s such an infrequent request that I wonder if it might just be granted. My dear friend, Melissa (who posted in my “guess game”) says that I am just so content with this pregnancy and life in general that this baby will cook long! It is true that I was pretty high strung and had a lot of emotional turmoil with the last two...and I am just so at peace right now.
Most of the house has recovered from the construction....with the exception of what I hope to be the birthing space- my bedroom and bathroom. I am anticipating that John’s portion of the bathroom will be done by Friday, and then I will be able to decorate it! So maybe just over a week...?!
Blessings to all!
~amanda
Sun Jul 13, 2003
Losing It... 37 Weeks
Did I have a handle on things in the first place?? Well if I did, I sure don’t feel like it now.
It is so freaking hot in my house. So hot outside. I stink, it’s too hot to eat, too hot to cook, or clean. How on earth did the pioneer women do it? I had a major breakdown yesterday and sobbed and sobbed. I can’t imagine going on like this and having the peaceful labor and delivery I am hoping for..... Why on earth would a baby *choose* to come to a crazy lady like me? Earlier this week I was crying to my husband about how I’m not ready for the baby. How I don’t feel the excitement or anticipation that I did with the other two. Even though I am hot and tired, I don’t “want to get this thing out of me”. And I am feeling like it’s wrong to feel like this. He is so good at comforting me, and reminded me that I was just letting the status quo make me feel guilty. Also we are going through a lot of “been there, done that” things... we are comfortable, sure of ourselves, and secure in our beliefs about birth and parenting. We are no longer walking on the edge of an abyss, but are firmly on the path that God intended for us. I am so thankful that my eternal companion is such a level-headed man, who always knows how to make me feel better.
On the bright side, my new bathroom is functional, and the kids and I spent over an hour in the shower on Friday. That still doesn’t change the fact that I am freaking out about there not being a clean place for this baby to land!!
Okay, I have been trying to write this entry for three days. Nothing is ever even keel in family life, is it? During my hysteria on Friday, John left for Home Depot to get the parts to repair a swamp cooler he saw in the trash at his part-time job. When he came home and I was still in my psychotic state I told him that he HAD to call in sick to spend Saturday trying to get the cooler running. Well, $150 that we don’t have, and now 24 hours later, the temperature in my house is holding fast in the low 70's!! I am so blessed to have a handy husband.
I have been able to put away the weeks worth of laundry that has been piling up, and now I am working on getting the construction materials out of what I hope to be my birth space.
Some technical mumbo jumbo, since I haven’t kept very good track of any of it: I have gained almost 30 pounds. It appears to be primarily in my belly and thighs (puke). My blood pressure the last time I checked was well within *textbook* range, and my belly is measuring 38 cm. My belly was 39 last time I checked, but I feel like the baby has moved down a bit, and I also think I was really swollen that day. I have been really hungry lately, but not really able to find what it is I want to eat. I eat about 5 meals a day, and I really pay the price being ornery and hungry if I don’t get up in the middle of the night to eat. I am really starting to feel a lot of contractions, they make it difficult to get through the store when I need to go shopping. They have also begun to awaken me at night! It makes me confident to feel my uterus working so hard. My mantra through all of my pregnancies has been “every one that I have now, is one less that I will have when *real* labor begins”! The diapers are all washed, the few clothes that I have taken out of storage are in the dryer today, and the birth-day boxes for the children and me are all packed and complete. The only things left that I am going to do are get some rosemary for the placenta, and some embroidery floss to help the kids make what will either be birthday bracelets or cord ties.
Hmmm, what a therapeutic entry this has been for someone who felt so out of control at the beginning of it. I guess I really do have a handle on things after all. And I guess if I weren’t eagerly anticipating this baby’s arrival on some level, I wouldn’t be joyfully making all of the preparations that I have been.
Blessings to all.
~amanda
still enjoying the low 70's, and it is after noon!
Wed Jul 16, 2003
and the dominos tumbled!!
I had a baby girl at 10:39 a.m. Mountain Time, Friday- July 25!!
Bornfree into mommy and papa's hands (sort of...they're slippery, you know!!)
She weighs 8lbs 9oz and is about 19" long. She is a fatty!! Labor was about 6 1/2 hours total... about 4 hours extremely intense!
More to follow.... like a name I suppose. We are having a hard time with that one!
Blessings to all!
~amanda
Sun Jul 20, 2003
Playing the Quiet Game at 38 Weeks 1 Day
This is now the third time I have tried to write this journal entry. The first was full of self-pitying psycho-babble. The second one got lost.
My spirits are good today, and I am feeling peaceful. My friend Melissa stayed over Friday night. She rubbed my belly, gave me a foot massage, painted my toenails, and did my dishes. John was also super-attentive yesterday. I am feeling sufficiently coddled. Hopefully it will continue today, as I am going to my mom’s for my pregnancy portraits! It was a good time when we did them with Daphne. We are going to be doing them outside in her beautiful yard.
Thursday afternoon at about 2:00 I began having contractions that continued until about 6:00 Friday morning. They helped get the baby down lower, and in a more *correct* position. I have never had what I felt was prodromol labor, just lots of BH type contractions, so this kind of surprised me. Not to mention wore me out.
I am beginning to wake up exhausted, and I physically feel like I have run a marathon every morning. It is hard to change positions at night without this or that cartilage pulling or burning. I have never had a baby reach my xiphoid process, and that is periodically causes much discomfort. Most of the time it is a chore to even eat. Nothing sounds good anymore. I had $10 the other day and realized that I could get myself just about anything I wanted, but I just decided to stay home.
Staying home in my little den/nest is pretty much all I want to do. I don’t want to talk or socialize much. I don’t want to go anywhere, but there are still a few more things I want to have on hand for before the baby comes. Hopefully I will be able to get everything in order by Tuesday (payday), and then I can just finish gestating in peace.
Ultimately life is good. I feel good for being a few days shy of nine months LMP. I love the way I look, and I love that I have a new life within me.
I pray that I will be able to listen to the still small voice as the Lord guides me through these last sweet days of pregnancy and through the wonderful miracle of birth and (once again) new motherhood that I have before me.
Blessings.
~amanda
Tue Jul 22, 2003
Practice makes perfect... right?
38 weeks 3 days
Baby hugs started this morning at 2:00 am, lasted until after 5:00. They were the low tight crampy ones... I am sure they were doing some dilating or effacing or something!
I am finding it so strange that I am doing this prodromol stuff. Maybe I really will have the short, easy, night birth that I pray for and dream of. Labor with my other two was just so obvious. I found myself actually praying last night for confirmation as to whether I was really in labor. I suppose actively in labor would be a better way to put it. I know that all of this is *real*.
I have officially begun the really-leaky-thing that I have done with both of my children. With Jack it went on for a couple of weeks, with Daphne it was 3-4 days.
So absolutely, without a doubt, I feel like I can safely say that I AM going to have a baby someday!! :lol: And in the whole realm of the world, that someday IS going to be soon!
I have to go to the post office today, and that is all. Hopefully I will get a nap in. I am really drained.
Blessings.
~a
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