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Daqurie's Unassisted Loss Journal
Miscarried May 2004
Wed May 12, 2004
I New Growing Life Begins
We are so excited to announce we are expecting again. We just be came Quiverful ( letting God control our family size and spacing) when our youngest ( Johnthan) was just 5mo old. At first we prayed for a break in-between pregnancies but when we though we were pregnant one month( werid cycle) we had a change of heart. From then on we prayed for God's will period. The next month we concieved our new little life in my womb. I was Soooo excited. Even more than I ever though I would be. I was just plain giddy knowing I would have a new little blessing. Johnathan and the new baby will be about 15mo apart. A new chanlenge but definatly a blessing. Ron is also very happy. He is also MUCH more relaxed about a UC this time. He is all for it and we do not have to tension this time.:) The kids are really happy too they are always counting the family members and they count 6.LOL and they are already planning for the baby when s/he gets here.
Fri May 14, 2004
9 weeks
This is so nice to have my Journal ready now ( thanks Jeannie for you hard work).. I didn't get to start this early last time so this will be different and probably alot longer LOL.
I have been feeling good except for the tiredness. I haven't even had morning sickness UNTILL the past 2 days LOL. I should have kept my mouth shut LOL. Oh.. But yesturday when we went to town I fell horibble ( car sick) and then today too. I am just gonna have to do the driving untill this blows over LOL. And I also have lost alot of my appitite ( expecialy for the good for you foods) that is kinda hard when I am trying to to the Brewer Diet. I really can't do the eggs much latley ( Gag!!) I have been drinking the milk though ( some times chocolate milk goes down better) So kinda wierd to have the M/S start now at 9 weeks but hey maybe it won't last too long?
On another note I have already started preparing for this birth with supplies. I had a water birth last time in the tub but I wanted something deeper than "9"inches this time LOL duh. So I got me a kiddy blow up pool that is 22" deep (Awww much better) I blew it up already to see how long it would take ( 8min). Looks and feels nice. Now if I just get the time to fill it and use it . I am wondering if this labor will be fast ( since Johnathan's was only 3hrs of contractions). I want to try a test run on filling to see how long it will take but we have to get a new water heater first. I think I may use it before birth too just to relax a time or two at the end KWIM? Then maybe I will get my use out of it If I don't get to use it for birth.
well well this was a long post and John is getting squrimy so better go
Sun May 23, 2004
Closing
Our sweet baby has gone home to Jesus. I birth the baby yesturday after some cramping and bleeding. I am not sure it is over but it has slowed for now. We are copeing with our sadness together right now. I keep goning though cycles of denial and pain.
Please continue to pray for us.
Tue May 25, 2004
Journey to healing
I first want to thank you all for you abudant suppot you have given us though all aspects of our lives. I don't know how much this helps me right now. Ron said he really is thankfull that we have you gals to be there for us. I have found there are too many people that do not understand our loss. People somtimes TRY to help with asking "Why do you think it happened?" " You will have more babies" or Maybe God knew you couldn't handle 4 " and I have found these only hurt. I do appreciate the calls and emails of you all that truly care and feel my pain and loss right now.
I know I have a long raod to emotionl recovery . We both feel a great loss right now. Ron tends to not talk much as he proccess it but he is still very suppotive. I have found talking with supportive freinds nd haveing a good cry helps me cope.
Ron has suggested we get a memory/ Journal type book to put our thoughts into. We don't want to forget even though some may push us to.
We also want to name the baby so we are trying to find a gendar nutral name. I have always felt it was a girl but since we are not sure Ron is leaning more to the nutral side in nameing. If you have any suggestions please add.
I also would like to make somthing to keep at home to remind us of our baby. Just the other day I bought a kit to make a cross stich picture of a baby and man's hands bowing to pray. this could take on a new meaning for us now.
I can see Thanksgiving and Christmas will be hard for me for that was when I was due.. I want to have a special ornament for the baby this year and probably every year as we do with the other kids.
I would love any ideas you have for remebering your babies. I do not want to forget, We want to love.
Sat May 29, 2004
One week
Today marks one week since our baby went to see Jesus. Today is hard... Harder than all week.
We named her today " Serenity Rose Morlang"
We still haven't gotten to buiry her remains yet and I really hp ewe do tomarrow. Ron is making a little wooden box to buiry her in. We plan to buiry her in the mountains.
Please keep praying for us "I " need it today
Mon May 31, 2004
the physical part ( for those who want to know) and more emotions
Well when I feel I was having a miscarriage I wanted to know what I may expect and I found may different things.. I was sad to find many to most women go to the ER and get a D&C. Some people pressured me to go in to " see if the baby is ok" or " Just to know" but god had already told me in my heart He had taken the baby so I had no need or want to go to the ER to hear it from them that my "fetus" was not alive. I didn't want to hear there insesitvity or fight with then to let me do this naturaly at home. There was no way I was going to have a D&C. God gave me so much peace in staying home. So here are the details:
On Friday I was really upset with some IL's family issues and I was stewing about it like half the day. Around noon I when to the bathroom and when I wiped there was pink on the tissue.I called for Ron but I didn't really know what to say " I am spotting " I said. He said " What dose that mean?" I just said I don't know? All of the sudden I didn't want to discus it anymore I knew somthing wasn't "Right" I have never spotted before in pregnancy. So all day it was about the same "very light spotting" It never got worse that day. I felt achy and sore like during AF
On Saturday Ron when to work and I carried on with life untill about 9 or so and I had a little bit more bloody spotting still pretty light though. And then I caled for my mom to go get me some pads from the store and she came by the hose and cryed with me for a while. My sister were very upset too they felt so bad for me.
Abou 11 am they were leaving and I walked them to the car and felt a gush so I handed my mom Jonhathan and when to the bathroom and I saw that all had come out at once ( baby placenta ect). I couldn't make out much but I didn't want to mess with it too much . I wraped everything up and put it up so I could bury everything later. We feel strongly the baby was a girl ( all of us DH , I and the kids).
So after that the bleeding was just like AF not really heavy. I have now finished the bleeding At 8 days PP. I was blessed to have a mild m/c physicaly. but it is sill hard emotionaly sometimes. I never quit thinking about my little Serrenity Rose.
It is kinda strange to think I have given birth to 4 babies but I only have 3 with me.
I am less "sad" today but that dosen't mean I have forgoten. It just mean God is holding me close right now. I will continue to need your support and prayers
Thank you
Thu Jun 03, 2004
feeling down because of Ron's dicision:
We were talking about the whether or not to try to prevent conception right now after the M/C. Physicaly I am back to normal no bleeding ect. SO anyway Dh said he want to wait now. Wait till we are stable . wait till Johnathan is older. Wait till ????? This makes me sad because I think how could it all be great to have another 2 weeks ago and now "it is not the right time" I think it is because he is scared to loose another baby. He really hurt me when he said " If that was God's plan I don't think I like God's plan" He said " How can I go and trust Him again with that part and have this happen" and then he also said the line" doesn't God expect you to do your part in family planning too.. not just be irresponsible?" I think this is how he is proccesing his hut but it is so hard to see him do this .
At first I was really upset and I told him I feel empty and I don't want to wait several years before I have another baby and he siad that was not his plann either just not right now.
He did hav ONE valid concern : He said " he wanted to make sure he wouldn't be gone when ever I have another baby. and I agree I would rather him be there and not be gone for months before he saw a new baby. I just don't know were all that falls in the realm of trusting God only in your family planning.. I think this may be were submitting Dh overrides the quiverfull mindset.
So then I figuered we would be trying to prevent conception for a while :( and then on our anniversary he did nothing to prevent it so now I am confused on were he stands
Wed Jun 09, 2004
Hummm
well ok the lst time I posted I was upset about DH not feeling realy QF at this time but... He has been acting contrary to what he said.. you would almost thing he was TTC right now . WE have BD several times since June 1st and he has done "nothing " to prevent pregnancy. Sooo I guess he is not too worried about it now.. He has not come right out and said anything but seem like something must have changed.
I am not charting and I have not had AF since the Misscarriage so I will not know exaclty when I concieve if I do this month.. I don't feel like temp-ing so i have just been checking my fluid and sometimes my cervix... don't really know why except maybe to have a clue when I it is concieve??? . I may have O'ed yestursy cuz I had some EW and a open cervix but today it is Sticky and cervix is closed. we will see what happens.
learning
I have definatly learned alot from this experience.. It is soo hard to explain.
I see people differnt.
I have learned more about others and there experiences.
I have found that God *IS"* truly faithfull to those who seek him.
I have learned that prayer is AWSOME and it has helped me soo much.
I have learned I have true friends "online" but really in real life too
I have learned things *do* happen for a reason
sometimes God only knows why and sometimes He tells us
I have a greater ambition to stay faithfull so I may one day see my sweet baby in Heaven
I have found if others had not done this before me it would be Sooo hard to cope alone
I have found how to heal together with my family
I have learned to have JOY knowing my baby is in a perfect place
there are so may things I have learned
mostly GOD is GOOD
Tue Jul 20, 2004
continuing to heal ( emotionaly and physicaly)
well I had though my physical healing was compleat untill AF came this last month.. It ws not normal. it was a bit heavier and more painfull and also lasted 10 days med flow and then about a week of spotting after.. It was hard because it reminded me of my loss because it was like doing it again. I had astessfull cycle trying to chart. and I have now dicied after this cycle I will not chart again for a whie at least. it is just to stressful for me.
hoping for my fertility to return again soon and May the Lord bless us again.
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