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Nicole's Journal
Expecting Dec 2003/Jan 2004
Tue Jun 24, 2003
My Intro
My Name is Nicole, I am a 27 year old SAHM of four. I had my first baby on the states dime so to speak, and the next two in military hospitals. While none of my births were traumatic or horrible, there was always something that didn't satisfy me about them. There was always something lacking. So as I discovered I was pregnant with baby #4, a single desire overwhelmed me, the desire to birth at home. We were no longer Military and no longer overseas in a different country. It almost felt as though my body was my own for the first time, no longer belonging to the state or the government. I was under the impression I couldn't home birth in the military, even though it was something I wanted since baby one.
My husband of course had reservations. I had just barely talked him into considering a midwife, when the Lord started speaking to my heart about UC. Every night as I tried to sleep the verse in Exodus kept coming to rememberance. "the hebrew women are not like the egyptians...they are lively, and birth before the midwives come..." So finally after several nights, I sat up in bed and said "Ok, Lord I am listening...what are you saying??". In his gentle manner he spoke to my heart and said "you know".
Well in the morning I spoke to my husband about where I was at and left it up to his judgement. Finally after a week or so I asked if he made a descision, as I wanted to tell my mom our plans. He said "Well, I just assumed we were gonna let the Lord do this for us." I quit going to the OB and we let the Lord lead us for the next 14 weeks. Our son was born two weeks late, at 10 1/2 lbs, in the presence of his family alone. I never had had a birth before where I was in the spirit during transition as my husband spoke propheticaly. The hand of the Lord was evident. The complications that occured after the birth were already being prayed for as we birthed, because the Lord gave a friend a burden to pray ernestly for us earlier in the day about the very same things. His provision was amazing. So here we are again, in the wonderful place of waiting as the Lord creates another life in my womb.
Mon Jun 30, 2003
Thoughts at 12 weeks...or is it 13 or 14???, UP is very liberating....
I love not knowing readily how far along I am. When someone asks me, I actually have to stop to think about where I am in this pregnancy. I love the peace that comes with trusting in the Lord for the health of my baby. I especially love that, however far along I am right now (I think week 14) I am not queasy anymore. I did check my weight because I was curious about my newfound room in all my clothes, and discovered I had lost at least 15 pounds. My uterus however, is growing quite nicely, already the size of a big beautiful cantaloupe. My kids love to feel the baby bulge in my belly, and I look forward to the way their eyes light up after when they see a new life being brought out of the womb. I feel sorry for the women I know who never make pregnancy and birth a family affair. The children see on a day to day basis that I trust the Lord for my care, and His Spirit as my council. I am free from the worries and the stress of prenatal (S)care. Free of the tests and procedures, I can learn to hear Him in a much more intimate way. Thank you Lord for leading me to UP.
Tue Jul 08, 2003
Trust and UC, lessons learned in labor go a long way
I almost feel as though I belong in the center of a smoke filled room full of tired worn out faces, faces that show the weariness of their struggling. I feel as though I should be on a stage to say "Hello, my name is Nicole. I am married to an addict."
My husband doesn't turn to a bottle in search of peace in the storm. Drugs are not a familiar friend in times of trouble, when He needs to cope. My husband is addicted to something more personal, something that cuts to the heart of our life together. He indulges in a make believe world where women are objects, always ready and willing to please. A world where women always look their best, never show the signs of being stressed out or having a bad day, and never wear the tell tale signs of baby making or mothering. In fact, I have discovered that many of the objects of his lust are oversexed teenage lesbians, nary a chance of even a stretch mark there.
I wonder even now why I mention this, as a part of my UP/UC experience. I guess because even though there is an incredible little person in my womb, life still happens. This experience is very much a part of the joy and the pain it will take to bring this life into the world. I also look at what has been said about UC and a woman’s inner peace, and wonder if there is something to it. I say that not at all to understate the amount of trust in the Lord you develop in UC, but rather to compliment it. It has been said that UC will make a woman more aware and more confident in her womanhood. It will help her heal from past assaults on her body or mind. I think I do see a change in my self, a change that has helped me endure this and to see things a little more clearly.
I know that I am near the center of God’s will for my life. I know that allowing Him to provide my care and my council is the best thing for me and my children. I learned this through UC. The lessons learned in 5 hours of labor have changed my life.
My husband is an addict; he has made choices that have put his family at great spiritual risk. I am thankful that the Love of God is so much bigger, and His care so tender. 1 Timothy 2:15 is a great source of comfort to me in these times. “But women will be saved (or restored) through childbearing (the act of childbirth but also in the day to day acts of being a godly mother).” The verse before it speaks of what keeps a woman from deception. I know the Lord has kept me from deception. I have not been swayed by the lies of the enemy that would put guilt and shame on me about this. We have struggled as a couple with this for nearly 8 years, and the enemy no longer has a hold on my heart. After my last Christ-assisted birth I feel a confidence in the Lord that helps me to shake off shame and fear. There is a also change in the way I view myself. I know that as a Godly woman doing the work of my Father my beauty is unsurpassed. I say that not in a vain and carnal way. In Song of Solomon the king says this of His lover. ‘Sixty queens there may be, and eighty concubines, and virgins beyond number, but my dove, my perfect one is unique….” My Husband may have many women that have drawn his heart and many virgins to titillate his flesh, but I am the one in the beauty of God’s will. I no longer am fearful of undressing in front of him. I am no longer ashamed of the way my body shows the emblems of pregnancies past. The Lord delights in the beauty of my spirit. And I trust in Him to care for me and our children, as my husband works through his addiction. This trust was born out of allowing Him to reign at our last birth, and I look forward to the lessons he teaches me each day as I trust him now.
Tue Jul 15, 2003
Loving my beautiful belly, my Creator loves it, too
Still not paying attention to how many weeks I am 15, 16, 17? who knows? I do know that I have a big beautiful belly, and I am proud of it. I went to church on Sat. night and there is a woman I know well who is due in september with her fifth child also. She is very mainstream, and a nurse to boot so her views on birth and parenting couldn't be any different than mine. Our manner of dress couldn't be any more different, either. She wears the types of clothing that almost hides the belly. She sees pregnancy as her duty for God, and she has told me so. Her way of doing things do not outwardly accentuate the beauty of pregnancy, it seems to be something she just gets through as best she can. I love that the Lord has helped me to see things different. I am not really a fancy clothes wearing, always painting the barn kinda gal. I do know that, as a woman in God's will, I know that I can't help but exude the beauty of Sarah (1 Peter 3:4). A pregnant belly is a beautiful belly. God's blessing for those who are faithful to Him are children. I just cannot believe that any one would want to hide the beauty of a full belly. Pregnancy is a gift of God's grace, the fullness a sign of good gifts He gives us.
I am beautiful to my creator, what better thing is there than that!
Mon Jul 28, 2003
All is quiet here, Quiet in my body and spirit
It is strange how quiet things are around here inside of me. There is no lack of quiet in my house with four children, but everything in me sure is. While I have felt occasional "quickening", there have been no feats of acrobatic wonder in my womb. The womb is growing, and I know that I know all is well, but I have a quiet kiddo. My spirit is so quiet, too. While I know the Lord is helping me to grow, and I know all is well, I sure am having a quiet time in my spirit. No dreams, no inspiration in my journaling times, I guess it is just a time to be still and trust my God. He leadeth his flock like a shepherd, and is especially kind to those with young (Isaiah 40 :11?) He gives me the kind of assurance that no OB or midwife could ever give. The Lord assures me that I am in His graceful hands, that he loves the life in me more than I even could, and has the baby's best interest at heart. It is not a loud thunderous noise that tells me so, just a gentle quiet breeze.
And as quiet as it is, I guess it is loud enough for me.
Nicole
Fri Aug 15, 2003
catching up...., went from quiet to too busy to post
Things went from quiet to almost overwhelming with the visit of my girlfriend and her boys. Since I couldn't see trying to keep all of us in this less than 8oo sq. feet house (read....11 butts on one toilet) we went camping. We went with our 7 children combined and one teenager. My husband had things to do around here, so we went alone. Gee, I wish I had time to expound on the joy of carting a mess of firewood for a half of a mile up and down the hill side. LOL We really did have a pretty good time...I just love being out in the great outdoors anyways.
Well I am now at week 20. I am probably not quite halfway through yet, as my babies like to grow slowly. My last, ds, made his grand entrance at 42 weeks.
I am not much for the medical stuff so I haven't a clue about fundal height or weight gain. I just know the Lord is making a beautiful (and active!) life in my womb, one that He is gaurding and protecting, so I do not worry about the rest.
I feel pretty good, albiet more than a little tired most days. We have no A/C so that may explain my lack of get up and go!.... It is just too hot! I told the ladies who pray with me to feel free to pray for the snow to come really early this year...like by this weekend.
Starting a homeschool year next monday, with three kids in this hot house does not sound like much fun.
let it snow, let it snow, let it snooooow .....
Nicole
Mon Aug 18, 2003
No Grandma????, My mom is having second thoughts.....
I spoke to my Mom recently, she is not sure she wants to come and see this baby born. She saw DS two years ago, and is very supportive of our decision to UP/UC (even if she does have her own fears). She said that last time it was just very emotional for her. Well, I did hemorrhage really badly (like to an iron level of 4-6) and refused to transfer. All wound up being fine and she did see me recover quickly without the medical system, but I understand her saying it was emotional.
I did have a dream that I delivered two boys into my own hands at the beginning of this pregnancy. While I do not feel at all like I have twins, I do feel like I am up to catching this baby. I guess as much as I would love to have her again, if it is the Lords will we do it this way, I have no apprehensions. I wonder if it won't be better to do this as man and wife alone, when I consider the work the Lord is doing in our marriage to heal it from my husband’s sexual addiction. I know that in time He will reveal His perfect will for our birth and His plans through it. So, while my mom not being here might be a disappointment, I know this birth is in the hands of an awesome God who has good things in store for me.
Fri Sep 05, 2003
The nummies that were...., and now are not at week 23
Nothing new to report really. I just figured I had better say something to read later about this time in my pregnancy.
My 2 year old (that weaned like 3 months ago) seems to be having a delayed period of mourning for the nummies lost. He still will grab them when I am topless and longingly behold those once overflowing fountains of pure milk dreaminess, and sighs these sad little sighs. He has even tried to latch on more than once this past week. Oh, to just have some colosterum or something..... maybe in the next few weeks. I don't really want to tandem nurse....so maybe he will get over his memories of what once was. We will see.
I feel good, anyways. Still no idea about fundal height or BP or weight gain. I love not having to know either, though. Since I am resigned to a 44 week pregnancy I am now actually over the halfway mark. Feels good to have a life in me. This belly is a constant reminder of the Lord's goodness to me. I will sign off now as I am sensing a rambling time about to come on.....
Enjoying the Father's goodness to me, Nicole
Tue Sep 23, 2003
Physical changes, seem to bring spiritual ones.
I think I must have the most off the wall journal, since I never have any stats to report. So I write from where I am at in my spiritual life and how it relates to my pregnancy. If you can bear with it...here is the new post
I do not know why but it seems as though my blossoming belly always brings changes. Of course there will be a new mouth to feed and a new child to love and train, but there always seems to be something else. With our first baby's birth, we found ourselves with a spiritual hunger we did not understand, and boy did we fight it :). It was shortly after that the Lord got a hold of two of the ornery-est people created (that would be us) and said "I Love you, and I have a plan for you, and I am going to do things in your life that will suprise you....if you will let me." So we followed. The birth of our second, found us deep into ministry with a hunger for more training, and an idea of the call on our life. The pregnancy of our third was when we found ourselves in ministry school, and a week after our daughter was born we were offered a pastorship. Our fourth pregnancy also brought about spiritual changes. Along with the growing baby the Lord planted a growing dis-satisfaction with the status quo. We were tired of all the dog and pony show that was church as we knew it. The Lord narrowed the road for us and called us to a cell based church, no glitz or glamour...just people who meet together as the first church did, in homes. This was all fine for a long time. It always seems fine in between the pregnancies. But as we are preparing to birth this blessing in our physical lives, it seems the Lord is desiring to birth a spiritual blessing. We are attending a mennonite fellowship in addition to our home church. They are kind of like the amish, but they are ok with some if not most modern convieniences. And although I do not see my self donning the cap and frock,
The Lord has something for us to learn there. I see a renewed passion in my husbands life to live a holy life. These are things that were absent for so long, as my husband persued carnal addictions.
I do not know many details about the baby I am to birth because I haven't peeked or listened in. I just trust that The Lord is doing a wonderful work in my secret parts. It is just the same in the spiritual, I do not know all the plan that the Lord has for us, or the wonderful work He is doing in His secret place. But I trust Him and as I have given my body over to Him to make this baby, I give my life over to Him to create of me what he will. Trust is the one thing that I am learning through UP/UC that will benifit me not just these nine months but for my whole life.
Nicole
Fri Oct 10, 2003
transitional labor of the spirit, gets tough at the end
As I am on the last leg of this pregnancy my body is fine, minimal weight gain, minimal discomfort, good robust movements, couldn't ask for a nicer pregnancy. I just have this "I know that I know" feeling that birth will be peaceful and mellow. I am looking forward to physical labor.
In my spirit it feels as though the time for labor is now. I am reminded of what was said to the thessalonians comparing destruction to labor pains...that they would not be able to get out from underneath them. I am reminded of transition and this is where I seem to be, and I can't seem to get out from underneath of it. I just seem to get a grasp on one contraction, and another hits and the pattern follows getting closer and closer with each day. No matter where I go, like a woman in transition, I can not get comfortable.
Not long ago I was gingerly waiting to see what the Lord has planned for this family, like a woman in early labor might put finishing touches on a blanket or a set of diapers while enjoying the" hugs" that assure her the process of birth is beginning. The excitement has worn off, after seeing my husband go deeper and deeper into depression, as we have gotten further and further behind. I am seeing him go back into the heart patterns of his addiction. My family is turned upside down...as it often is when dh goes through what he does. I cannot seem to get out from underneath of it, and now I am tired.
Like a woman deep in labor pain, I scream, and I yell inside..and all too often outside, too. I wish I had the assurance that the end of this would bring something beautiful...but I feel like a woman about to birth a still-born. But, I serve a God who gives life to the dead. The same God who gave the widows back their sons, and brought Lazarus out of the tomb, is the same God who will watch over me. I serve a God who causes all things to work for His Glory (in Yeshua's name) and causes all to work for my good. If I birth something that seems dead in this, He is more than able to raise it! If he doesn't he will repay me for the years that the Locusts have eaten....I cannot lose when I serve the one true God. Lord, help me to remember this in my darkest hours, as I get confused, and scared, and can only see the hurts coming closer and closer together, as a woman in transition feels her contractions. That this is a process, and that you are working something out in me, and that you will help me birth something that will glorify you in my life.
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