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Sombra's 2nd Journal
Expecting January 2006
Thu Jan 05, 2006
Yesterday
Friends.
I saw the Dr. today to get a new Rx for my meds, and she was very worried about me. By the time I got home, she'd spoken to an OB in the Hospital and then to Stuart (yes, I gave her permission) and Stuart had decided that I need to be induced today to reduce the risk to me and baby.
I've been crying, as you can imagine, there are so many implications to this decision that I just didn't want to face and now will have no choice in. I am going because I do want to live, I do want to be a mother to my children and I do want this baby to live. I really wanted another UC, and I still encourage those who want one to keep on that tract. But as you all know, there comes a time when we have to be wise, and Faith and Wisdom are not polar opposites, they are entwined together. God gave us Wisdom for the purpose of using it.
Please keep praying for me.
Sombra
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After seeing a wonderful Dr. who really took the time to explain all the risks and give me options on what he thought was the best course of action.. we got to the point where we - Stuart and I - decided that induction was the best thing to do. Unfortunately - Providentially!!-- there were not enough Nurses to start the induction, and with this Dr. that we liked being off at 7:30 am, we asked when he'd be back on call. Turns out he's back on Saturday, so we're booked for a first priority induction Saturday morning.
That means that we have time to pray for an unassisted birth here at home between now and Saturday morning.
The good thing about seeing this Dr. is that he wasn't just interested in getting this baby out, but was interested in MY long term health. He wants me to see a Nephrologist, an Opthomologist and a Cardiologist as soon as possible (which may be in 2 years in this city!!) in order to reduce the risks of me having kindney failure, heart failure or blindness in the future. This is the first time anyone has ever mentioned anything like this to me, and been proactive about these health issues. It seems the HBP, while related to the pregnancy, is cummulative in its deterioration of my health.
So, when I walked into that L&D, I was crying, feeling like a wrongfully convicted criminal sentenced to serve time in jail... upon leaving I felt much more in control and had hope that I could still birth at home.. and I got the kind of health care help I've been looking for.
Thank you for praying for me.. and please continue to pray. We're asking for a delivery before Saturday, and for all the other care of the children to get worked out smoothly. Trent has a conference for his Bar Mitzvah that he needs to attend this weekend.
Sombra
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q Sombra... I have to be the one to question this.... If you had a life threatening emergency wouldn't they have taken the baby today....if by c-sec if needed? If they can put you off until Saturday... is it really necessary to be induced at all?
Well I guess the question is.. where and when is the emergency.
Baby is fine right now. I am fine right now. But, my BP is not under control with the medication. I'm taking the highest dose of me med (which this Dr. last night was shocked I was taking so much) and my BP is still in the 160/100 - 180/110 range. So the point is not that right now I'm in a life threatening situation.. it's that during the birth, I may be in a life threatening situation.
These last few weeks have been hard on me physically.. but they've also been really hard on my family emotionally. My hubby has picked up the slack, as have the children.. but as we walked together a few days ago, hubby and I talked about the committment made at our wedding, Through good times and bad, Sickness and health. Here's my hubby clearly showing me he loves me because no matter how sick I was getting, he was right there beside me.
But do we want to chose to live this way? Or worse, do we want to choose to live with me dying? The answer to that is no. With the wisdom that God has given us, knowing that this is not a normal pregnancy, that it is high risk, we've come as far as we can independantly and we now realize that we have to make the choice. Risk a heart attack or stroke while I birth, risk placentia abruptia and the baby dies... or chose to birth in a less than perfect situation at the hospital, where if something does go wrong, we're right there to get help.
The Dr. was very gentle with me, explained all the risk - not just the risks to this birth, but the risks to my health in general - long term even after pregnancy. Then, when he suggested the induction, he said it was completely my choice, he also had to perform a c-section that night, which required 4 nurses, and there were only 7 nurses on duty that night and several were already being induced, and of course there were other ladies coming in in natural labour. I could have waited to be induced once the shift changed in the morning, but then I'd have a different Dr. and from what I'd heard, this new Dr. was quite the patriarchial type.. Do as I say, Let's get this done.. kind of guy.. as is Friday's guy. So hubby asked when this Dr. would be back, and it was Saturday. The Dr., realizing that I'm not wanting to be pushed arround, nor would I be in an emotional state to birth with some bully around, he agreed that coming back on Saturday morning, when he started again, would give a good 24 hour slot of time for me to be in his care alone.. and not some other Dr. coming in and changing our birth plan.
So, I get what you're saying about this "emergency". Clearly it's not the kind of emergency that means immediately, but rather it's the kind of emergency that needs a watchful eye. I knew I was at risk of stroke and heart attack and seizure. I gave my oldest and hubby a brief summary of what they all look like, so that if it happens, they could quickly call 911.
I also have to respect my hubby's thoughts here too. If I should die, I don't just leave my hubby to be a single man again.. I leave 3 boys who are only half raised, and then possibly two babies who will need to be fully raised. That's a heavy burden on all of them that could be prevented.
I still want a UC, and so does hubby. I still believe in UC completely. But I always knew I'd follow God's leading and yesterday there were so many things that were just PROVIDENTIALLY PROVIDED FOR.. that I can't ignore them. Things like, I didn't know what time my original Dr. appt was, so we stopped at her office after running an errand, thinking we had a couple of hours before the appt. But it was 11:30 and my appt was at 11:50. I would have missed it if God hadn't lead me to check the time. Then, while in her office, we discussed who I could see, seeing as I had no prior relationship with an OB. She said she'd call whoever was on call, but if we had a choice, this one Dr would be the best, most patient and understanding and a Christian man too. She then said she'd call, and if she got through, she'd call me at home. I had errands to run, so I knew I'd be home late, so I told her to talk to Stuart. That she got through at all to this Dr at the hospital, I see as God providing for MY NEEDS - there are some really bad OB's - I've met 2 already that I know I couldn't have worked with - this Dr. was really patient with me. And then the fact that a nurse called in sick.. that kind of closed off any chance of my being induced last night...and just before we left, I was standing outside my room waiting for Stuart to gather our things, and this Dr. came back and while he was saying comforting words, I said pray for us.. and he took me back into our room and prayed with us right there as we were leaving.
I still don't want the induction, but now that I have a few days to get used to the idea, I feel much more in control, and calmer. If it had happened last night, it would have ended up feeling like the "rape" scenario we all dred in a hospital birth.
Sombra
Mon Jan 02, 2006
big as a house
you know you're 38 weeks pg when you're completely disinterested in anyone else, and feeling completely trapped in your own body.
my voice is gone so I can't even have a phone conversation, I sleep all the time. I've got a friend offering to host a blessingway shower for me, and I'm too tired to figure out which day I can get there.
I don't want to eat
I fear that once this baby is born, I'll just want to turn away and go to sleep and let someone else hold it for a while.
I feel like the perfect candidate for a hospital birth - how sad is that!
BP is running in the 180/110 to 160/100 range. I've taken 200 mg of Labetalol on top of my 3000mg of Methyldopa.. and it's not changed much.. except give me an itchy head that drives me nuts
I don't think I've ever been this sick.. this unhealthy.. in all my life. And I'm supposed to want to do this again?
Tue Dec 27, 2005
Pampered Princess
Hubby and I went for a little walk today, visited the horses and gave them some feed, then walked along the driveway and front yard. As we walked.. and this was a slow walk, we talked about how hard this last few weeks has been. He had his arm around me, and repeatedly said "I love you".
You know, this week has shown me how hard it is when a spouce is chronically ill. When we married, we said for better or worse, in sickness and in health. This has been a short time for us, but many couples live with debilitating illness, and even in good humour, it's hard. Stuart has been wonderful, he's treated me like a pampered princess. Without a shadow of doubt, I know he loves me without condition. He's tired, it's been a hard semester for him, and yet, without missing a beat, he finished grading his exams and then flowed right into grouting the bathroom and then cleaning out Janney's room, our room and today the livingroom. Of course, I've been out of commission for weeks, first with the pain in my hip, then the BP and fatigue and now the laryngitis. On top of cleaning all day, he then makes a lovely pancake dinner and we lit the 2nd Chanukah candles and then played air hockey with Myles and "kitchen" with Janney.
I'm so blessed that I was given Stuart as a husband. God knew exactly WHO I needed. It was ME who wanted more children, it's ME who suffers through pregnancy every time, and it's HIM who has to pick up the pieces when I can't do it anymore.
God please heal my throat, God please bring my baby soon, God thank you for my husband, and for my children and for feeling pure JOY in all things.
Thu Dec 22, 2005
Take it to the Lord in Prayer
Yesterday I expressed to a friend how at peace I'd been feeling, how I had no FEAR about the baby and my health situation etc. Now, I'll continue to say I have no FEAR, but yesterday afternoon, my baby was quiet, and after the last 5 months of a very active baby, I have to admit, I was wondering what had happened.
I woke up yesterday morning to some pretty serious baby movements that were hurting me. It felt like baby was trying to push his/her head through my left hip bone. Youch! Well, when I got out of bed and went to the living room, that discomfort changed and baby was more settled.
During the day, baby did move some, but certainly not with all the vim and vigour of previous days. Every time I checked (read, pushed baby around to get a reaction), I'd get something small in return, so I knew baby was alive.
So, after a bath last night, I went to bed, but at 11, I woke and went to sit with Stuart who was watching the News. As I pushed baby around, he asked me what I was doing. I told him my slight worry, and he chuckled.."so you're waking a sleeping baby?"
Well, we went to bed, and as I lay there awake, I began to pray. "Father in Heaven, please show me that my baby is alright, that I need not worry about baby's activity level" and within moments, there was a simple, significant movement. "Thank you Adonai, thank you for easing my heart, thank you for showing me that my baby is alright" - much more movement "I praise you Adonai, for you are faithful to help your children in need.. and I continued to praise Him and thank him." Then I asked Adonai, if it's your will, please bring on labour so that this baby can be born, only if it's safest for baby to be born now" and with that came the strongest contraction I've had this pregnancy. I rejoiced in this and began to pray for all my friends who've asked for prayer in the last little while. The answers I was getting from God were so precise and so immediate that I really understood the importance of prayer.
So, as I continued to pray with thanks and petitions for my friends, I then asked if there was another contraction to come, would labour be starting that night.
With peace in my heart, knowing all is well, I fell asleep with no more contractions. I have absolute assurance that there were no more contractions BECAUSE it is not the right time, because baby is safer in my womb than anywhere else. God wasn't ignoring that last prayer, he was saying "no, not yet."
I love our Lord, and I trust Him with my life and with the life of my baby... for He created us both. If anyone had an interest in keeping us both alive, it is HIM.
I was reading in Job last night. Satan wanted to prove that Job only trusted God because God was protecting Job... but OH, Job Loved God, and no matter what, he would not curse God. Adonai, May I be like Job, that no matter what happens to any of us, may I never curse God, may I always trust Him absolutely, and may he always guide my path and sift through his fingers first what Satan may or may not challenge me with
Sat Dec 17, 2005
Medical Frustration
I can't remember when I last posted, but here's what's happened since last weekend. We attended a conference at my church for the weekend, and knowing that it would be hard and long on me, we brought in the back seat of the van so I could lie down during the sessions and listen in a prostrate position. My BP had been climbing the previous week, and I'd experienced some edema. So, as prepared as I could be, we went.
It was very tiring, but a good conference. At the end, the visiting Rabbi and his staff, our elders and our whole congregation prayed over me. I know I'm loved there.
But when I came home, I posted on various e-communities that I needed prayer for the BP and edema. One group prayed online.. I liked that the best. Another group said they'd pray. That was good. A third group, the bulk of the ladies said they'd pray, but a few commented that they felt I should see a Dr. I replied with why I didn't trust Dr.s.. basically it's because I've been here before and they haven't done anything for me.
So, feeling a bit of pressure, I made an appointment and went in to see a substitute Dr., as my Dr was away. I drove in (30 miles to the city) and had my oldest son come in as my chaperone (I'm leary of male Dr.s). But this Dr. heard me say I needed a new medication to control my BP and took my BP and proclaimed that my BP was normal, looked at my ankle and then said I was fine and sent me packing. He didn't "hear" me. He didn't ask more questions, he didn't probe, he didn't ask about my history, he didn't pay any attention to anything other than what was right in front of him. I left feeling strange, but happy knowing my PG was perfect.
HA
False sense of security! If I was the kind of patient who only listened to the Dr.. I could be dead by the end of this PG.
I barely made it home, I was so tired. I drove home with my brain doing this shut off thing. I wasn't nodding off, I didn't have droopy eyelids... it was my brain that was so tired that it was shutting off. I came home, took a bath and fell asleep in the bath. Hubby came in and woke me up.
I slept through most of the next day and was completely swollen the whole day. I was miserable. I had increased my medication from that 750mg to 1250mg during that week before the conference, and then realizing I was not under control, by the end of the weekend, I had increased it to 2250mg. So here I was, nearly at my maximum dose for the Methyldopa and my BP was regularly around 160/100. Thursday, I tried to call to get another appointment, but I didn't want to see that quack again in the city, my Dr. was not back for another week or so, and there's a Dr. in IH that I've had a run in with before.. so because he doesn't have a collegue right now, I didn't want to go there.. I felt helpless, and so I gave up.
But Thursday was really rough. I wrote to a friend
weakly she cried out... help.. but no one heard her.. and she slipped away
i feel like this is going to be the way i'm going to go in the next few hours
i'm so tired i'm physically tired, i feel like i've run a marathon. i'm tried of trying to tell the family i need help. i'm using the words "i'm sick" but they aren't hearing me. I feel like each breath is an effort.........
Finally, in a desparate attempt to get someone to understand, I had my hubby read this e-mail to my friend. It suddenly clicked, I needed help. The next morning he took me to a clinic in FQ and helped me make my point to the Dr. She was great, she took the time to listen, to ask questions, to hear me. She did ask to take my BP, and palpitate my belly, and took a urine test.. the last two I didn't think were necessary, but I wanted a new RX to get my BP down, so I figured if I submitted to a few simple tests, I might get what I needed out of her.
So while I was in the bathroom giving the urine test, she got on the phone with the pharmacist about which drug was the best choice. MY LAND, there isn't a drug that is best! The pharmacist said she'd research and call back. I bet she called that place in Toronto that does the pg/drug testing.. anyhow, meanwhile we shared with Dr. about why we were set on UC, why we didn't want to be induced, why we didn't feel an U/S would be of any value.. She, of course, coming from a medical perspective didn't agree, but respected our choice, and as a Christian, understood that we wanted to trust God. She was very nice about it all. Sadly, she made a comment about the Dr. I saw on Monday.. she said he took one look at my situation and decided he didn't want to get involved, that's why he told me I was fine. Yikes, to think that there are people in that profession who could even think like that.. you go to them for help, and they just can't be bothered.
So, we were sent home, and promised a phone call to tell us what medication would be phoned into the pharmacy for us. About 2 hours later, the phone rang.. but the answer was, "I can't do anything more for you." She suggested I take the Labetalol if my BP climbed higher than the 160/100 mark, but as for another drug, there was nothing else to offer me. I felt completely deflated again. I knew she had done her best, but the only other thing was to induce me.. and I wasn't going for that at all.
So, last night as we headed to bed, I took my BP again... I'd already taken my.. my now 3000mg/day bedtime dose of Methyldopa.. and my BP was 189/108 So, frustrated, I relented and took the Labetalol (which I have in my cupboard from last time). 2 hours later, I woke up with a really strong contraction... and terribly itchy scalp! GREAT, first dose and the side effects start. The baby was jumping around like wild for about 2 hours, my womb contracting about every 10 minutes and my head itched driving me insane.. I couldn't sleep. it was a rough night.
So, this morning we went to church, and of course, people wanted to know how I was doing.. terrible I replied and told my story. After service two elders came and prayed over me and annointed me with oil. Lots of people stopped me to ask and offer food help - I'm thinking maybe I'll take them up on that for next weekend. I itched through service and one elder.. whose a fun teasing kind of guy.. he teased me about my itchy head.
Well, this afternoon I decided I couldn't take that Labetalol again, so I just took my Methyldopa.. and went to bed for several hours. When I woke up, my BP was 129/79.. OH that's beautiful.. and that's why women get put on bedrest! But after sitting at the computer for two hours.. doing nothing but sitting.. my BP climbed to 148/90.. SIGH.
SO, here I am, not really in a better position than I was in last week, but I'm one week closer to baby. 36 weeks tomorrow.
I'm just going to keep praying, keep asking for prayer, and keep a quiet sedentary lifestyle until baby is born... and take the Labetalol only when my BP skyrockets.. hopefully that won't be when I'm trying to sleep!
Tue Dec 06, 2005
Edema
Woke up Sunday morning with terrible edema. I suddenly realized I was in trouble again. I reflected a bit, and realized with the pain in my hip was stopping me from preparing food that was high in protein, the boys have been feeding me hi carbs in their efforts to keep me fed.
So last night, I was up a few times in the night and one time sat down with adele Davis and "Let's Have Healthy Children" and read what she had to say about edema. She's got a whole chapter on it. First thing was look at protein, next Vit B6, then salt, then a whole slough of other minerals and vits. So this morning I got out my food chart for the Brewer's Diet and went back to keeping tabs on my food intake, making sure I get what I need. Hubby's going to help me.
Doesn't help that I also have a cold. I'm fighting it better than Stuart and Janney, who have completely succumbed to it, but Trent, Rourke and I have stuffy noses and a little cough.
Ralph Messer is coming for a conference this weekend.. I'm trying to envision how the 6 of us will survive this marathon weekend. I want to get a chaise Long to bring so I can lie down, and maybe some blankets.. and maybe get Janney to nap while we're there. It's 2 1/2 long days and nights, but such great teaching I wouldn't want to miss it.
I've had to increase my BP meds again.. I'm now at 1250mg per day, and my BP is in the 150/90 range. I'm hoping the increase in protein and the increase in meds will bring it down.. don't want to end up in hospital again.
Wed Nov 30, 2005
UMM? 33 weeks?
Feeling my mind slip a little..
OK. So. the hips still hurts, but we've resigned to the fact it will until birth.. we.. meaning Me, Myself and I.. and hubby is compassionate about it. Baby seems oblivious to the pain, as baby has no qualms about being so active I can't sit in a number of positions, meaning that hip is uncomfortable much of the time.
The baby. Well, this baby is terribly active. I'm pretty sure this baby is my most active, though it may be challenged by Myles, who was also an extremely active baby. I waited a long time to feel this baby move, and now, I've not had a moment's worry, as it moves almost constantly. I've noticed this baby is aware of gravity. If I sleep on my right side.. OH baby is content. If I flip to my left.. then baby notices that gravity is pulling it down and starts to kick and wiggle. We had a difficult night's sleep because of this phenomenon last night.
A girlfriend asked me if I've begun to envision birth yet, if I'm making mental birth plans. Well, while I've got the new bath tub which will generously cover me with soothing hot water, the answer to the question is NO. I learned last time that my vision of birth.. and the actual birth.. never follow the same plan, so, while I know I'll have 4 hours or less of labour, there is no birth plan. I've occasionally thougth of inviting this young woman or that more experienced friend, or the woman who'll be adopting shortly after I give birth.. but really.. I won't know until it all happens!
Actually, according to yesterday's announcement, I may not be able to go vote for the new government if baby arrives on Jan 23rd! While the rest of Canada is concerned about a Christmas time Election campaigne, they didn't think about the fact that I've had the day of Jan 22 in my head for a long time as the day I'll give birth - and no, that's not my due date. Ha, won't town get all up in arms if I show up with a few hours old baby to go vote! Last time when Janney was born, we took the boys into a bottle drive when she was about 12 hours old.. they thought I was insane then.
Every once in a while I get that ache in my cervix. It's exciting to think that there will soon be much more of that ache, as things start to soften up, to get ready.
About the Amniotic sac. I've been in this personal private battle with my amniotic sac. You see, my mother's sac broke at 7 months in her pregnancy with my sister, and so in efforts to avoid that - not that it's a big concern, my amniotic sac has never broken before - twice is was AROM and twice it broke as the head crowned - but I've been taking a little vitamin C just to be on the safe side. Now the battle comes in.. because knowing I've never had a weak sac to start with, I want to be careful not to take too much Vit C to make the sac made out of IRON and completely unbreakable! So, my battle rages daily as I stand before my vitamins and try to remember if I took Vit C yesterday or not, and if today is a day I should.
So I saw the Dr a few weeks ago, and we agreed that I should up my meds by another 250mg per day. I haven't taken my BP much since then.. so let's take it now it says 130/77 but I'm not really trusting that reading as I had to take it 3 times to get it to display and answer.. I guess I'll have to go back to monitoring it daily or so.
Totally aside from this.. Did you know that no matter how you fasten your 20 month old child into the car seat, double checking to make sure you've done it properly according to the manufacturers specifications.. that she can GET OUT! This happened with Trent too at about the same age. ARGH. Janney wasn't quite standing up, but it was only a little wiggle or so to get her foot properly under her before she could stand. Trent on the other hand was standing in his car seat as I was driving 100 kmph down the road, so I stopped at the side of the road, put him back in his car seat, started driving off again and within minutes he was standing again. Three times he did this, so I finally put him in a lap belt in the back seat and he stayed put. I'm hoping that's not the case with Janney, but I tell you, there's nothing safe about a child who can stand in their car seats! With Myles it was him getting out of his highchair when locked in... even at daycare, I warned them.. and they laughed, but there he was on the counter, after being locked into his high chair!.
So, off to start my day as mother and housekeeper..
Sombra
Tue Nov 22, 2005
Painful day
As I crawled across the bed last night, I was in a lot of pain. Baby had been up on my right side, right under my ribs all day, and moving around really well.. but I crawled across the bed and layed down on my left side, and I felt that baby move in a very different way. In 5 pregnancies I've never felt this before.. and so when I woke this morning I knew the baby was transverse, I could feel the back all along the bottom of my belly and the kicks were coming up out the front and top of my belly.. OOOOOCH.
So, even though it was 10 AM, I stayed in bed. I read my book and dozed in and out of sleep. Someone brought me breakfast, and every once in a while a child came to visit me.
When I finally got out of bed at 11:56, I knew I was going to have a completely unproductive day, and resigned to it. I sat in hubby's office for awhile just watching him work, then I got myself a bagel, as the boys were making themselves one for lunch. Then I sent Myles and Trent out to cut and stack wood, and had Rourke stay and play with Janney... and then around 2 I had Janney put down for nap and assigned HS tasks for the boys. I sat on the couch and knit all afternoon.
I did make dinner, but it's so painful in the belly.. I feel completely stretched out of shape.. I feel pregnant with a baby elefant in my womb. Can't wait for baby to move back to it's original position.. this hurts.
Fri Nov 04, 2005
Hardly able to walk!
3 Chechivan 5766
OHHH the pain. I can hardly walk because of the pain in my hip. It's that Piriformus muscle again. Had this pain last pregnancy, but OOOH this is so much worse this time. I know it requires deep muscle massage, but do I really need deep muscle massage every single day!!??
Today wasn't too bad, I stood until about 4pm, but since 4.. OHH, there's not one single position or chair or.. whatever that makes the pain go away.
So this is almost the end of week 29. Baby is SO active, I don't know if I've ever had such an active baby in the womb.. and I thought Myles was active. Please God, do not let this baby be a non-sleeper like Myles.
Having the most amazing sleeps though. When Janney sleeps through the night, I sleep through the night! I don't even have to wake up to pee. I'm taking Calcium and Magnesium at bedtime and it really is helping me to sleep.
That's all for me.. see ya'll
Sombra
Wed Oct 19, 2005
Sukkot - and 27 weeks pg
My first baby turned 13 yesterday. And this baby is still bouncing around in utero. I'm getting those strong kicks under my ribs that make me go AHH. How fun is that!
I'm running out of my prescription for my Methyldopa, so I have an appointment for a renewal Rx on Nov 17.. and I'll see my old Dr. again for the first time since her Mat leave was over. I'll be 31 weeks then. I hope she doesn't get all concerned and want to send me to an OB again like last time.. but this time my BP is much better anyhow.. but still, I just don't like having to defend myself.
Lots of hip pain with the hormone increase loosening my pelvic.. Had a couple of massages and I've been having nice relaxing whirlpool baths.
Extreme fatigue has hit. I expect that the next 13-15 weeks will be fairly sedate. I'll get lots of knitting done though.
Janney has transitioned to a new bed, bunk bed. I also had to get her to stop drinking so much milk, and more solid food. This has also changed the number of diapers I'm changing. What a viscious cycle we were in before. But we seem to have kicked the cycle, and are well on our way to a normalizing solid food diet for Janney. She doesn't eat big meals, but she's eating more and more every day.. so I'm encouraged.
Sleeping well.. even slept straight through the night a few times this week.
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